Ughhhh i feel sooooo sick!!!
OMG i am feeling so crap!!! I don't remember pregnancy being like this! I had a really bad night last night, i think i have a stomach bug because i was running to the loo for over an hour and i have awful stomach pains which have eased but not gone today.
I went to see the midwife yesterday for my booking in appointment, it took ages and i had to leave in the end to pick the kids up! My midwife seems like a nice lady though and is very good at explaining everything. I am still a bit pissed off with being pregnant,especially when i should of been getting ready to go to university. But its gods will that i have this baby so tough shit! I am a bit snappy at the moment but Rob is coping well with me. We celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary on tuesday which was nice. I am facebook talking to my mum at the moment still haven't seen her since our big arguement but maybe now she is coping with the idea of having a 4th grandchild! It makes me laugh that people think that i am all hunky dory with it, i feel a bit hopeless at times and depressed but i should really be happy that i am carrying another beautiful child. I am off out for a meal tomorrow night with the girls from college, my friends should i say! I am a bit delicate at the moment so i am hoping that i will feel better, i haven't got a clue what i am going to wear though! Pot calling why should i expect anything different!
Well after finally making our decision to keep this baby we told the boys who took the news pretty well, although i was a little surprised that Nathan had a few tears, he was just worried about not having his own space , i have promised him that i will get him his own bedroom! So after a few days of getting used to the idea i decided i should tell my parents.....well it went down like a lead balloon! In fact right now i have intentions of speaking to my stupid mother for some time, her comments were not only pathetic they were nasty and hurtful. She had the cheek to pick the faults in me and not look at her own! There she was acting as if all this was at her door and even saying that she had enough of her own shit to deal with and didn't need mine....she might think that i have only brought this upon myself but she has brought the debt she is worrying about unto herself! If she hadn't been soo damn proud that she has struggled to pay my brothers school fees rather than take him out of private school when she knew she couldn't afford it, to carry on shopping at M&S and buying things that she didn't really need, or even if she had given up this stupid business and got a proper job she wouldn't be borrowing more money and sitting there worrying about how she is going to manage! It's not like i am not going to Uni i am just waiting a year, and then i will be fine, i will work hard to give all my children the best that i can and we certainly won't be hard up forever! Going to try to sort some of the house out today and give it a good clean. One hell of a day!
I spent the majority of the day feeling very confused, i was suprised when my mum and joe came round but also felt very difficult that i couldn't share how i was feeling with my mum. She is going on a well deserved break tomorrow to the lakes for a few days and i didn't want to put this upon her. I spoke to trisha today and i felt that she thought i should terminate although she said it was my decision! We went to the fpc tonight having decided that it was right to have an abortion, we waited over an hour to be given a pregnancy test and told by a dr that we have to phone a number on friday and be seen in a week or so. I was devastated that it would take so long and came home pretty pissed off, i then read a few stories about medical abortions to rob and i think it finally hit home to him what i would have to go through and how it would haunt me for the rest of my life. So we have made the decision to keep the baby. I feel more relaxed (just my family to tell eek!!!!) but i am still dissapointed that this has happened at this time. I certainly don't want to know the sex of this baby, i want it to be a surprise. I don't want to get big either so i am going to try to eat healthily and walk a lot. At least this time i am a married woman having a child, and won't feel so looked down upon hopefully!
I am Pregnant
How could i let no we let this happen? I am gutted. I knew that i was pregnant, its just a feeling that you get and today i decided to get a pregnancy test, i took it so blaze! i came home made a sandwich ate it watching t.v and then tittled off to the loo to do it. I sat there and watched the two pink lines appear and muttered 'No' under my breath, opening the toilet door i nodded to rob who was wittering on about something totally insignificant! He thought i was joking until i showed him. I am due to start uni in 34 days! I don't want this baby. I don't feel that i want to go through the pregnancy or the labour or bring a baby home and have the sleepless nights, the only reason i would want to keep it would be that it could be the daughter i have always wanted, but suddenly i don't care, i don't want to deal with it. Rob doesn't want the baby either but says that he will support me what ever i decide. Having this child means that i would have to move house, and get a bigger car, things that i can't afford and also my career would be put on hold for at least another year. It seems easy enough to go and arrange a termination, but i think that actually going though it will be much harder. I have spent a lot of time crying and feeling pretty sorry for myself, i can't help but feel that i am evil for considering a termination. I just feel that its all happened at the wrong time, do i defer my place for a year and have a baby that isn't practical for this family, or do i just get on with having a termination and deal with my guilt later. In all honesty i couldn't really give my all to my nursing course if i had this baby, and i fear that i could get rid of it and hate nursing anyway. I can't think straight, i just don't know what i want 100%. I keep thinking about Donna who is desperate to fall pregnant and here i am pregnant and don't even want the baby. This child would be loved no matter, but i just feel that i may be taking more away from my other children, that it will just be too hard with 4 children and that people will look at us like we are mental! I can't really imagine having this baby. If i have an abortion it will be around our wedding anniversary which will haunt us. I just don't know what i want........... Looking in the mirror
After yesterdays face off we have been able to resolve a lot of issues we had. I have learnt to realise why trisha acts the way she does and i have learnt to understand how rob feels much more. I honestly feel that we needed to have this rift in able to sort things out. I realise that i could show more love and help more with the boys and the house and if i ask he will do more for me. I think its important to communicate with eachother and not expect the other person to be able to know what is going on in their head. i think that i am now more able to give my love and trust more, and hopefully he will help me through this long road i am about to journey along. I am feeling quite nervous about starting uni and i am starting to feel like nursing is not going to be my lifelong career already although things may change once i start. Now in limbo
Things came to head last night resulting in me sleeping on the sofa! I didn't intend to say how i felt he just asked why i was so pissed off and before i knew it we were arguing and i was telling a few home truths. I was so angry because we were lying in bed talking about it all when he gets up and goes downstairs, 5 mins later he comes back up and puts the fucking xbox on! I was livid!! I told him that sort of behavior was the reason i wanted to end our marriage and stormed off downstairs to sleep. Perhaps i am unreasonable, maybe i expect too much from him, but i would of thought it would be normal to want the best in life and not feel like your partner is lagging behind whilst you make a better life. So today has been stormy, i got up and did housework, sorting out and throwing out some tat that is taking up space, i also painted the downstairs loo. whilst he sat upstairs on his xbox (what a suprise!) now here is the bit that winds me up the most.... Last night i was told off for slagging his mum and sister off, this morning i went out to the garden and trisha was mowing her lawn, she asked me if i needed to go to the shop and i said no, then she said she didn't have the liver to make dinner for her new boyfriend tonight....i knew what was coming....an hour later she phones and asks if we could go get her the liver...i said yes but not till later, about pm she comes in and asks when i can go for the liver (i am up to my eyes in housework) I said ask rob because he is going out (oh yeah at this point he is drinking vodka and coke and is going out!) I didn't listen to the conversation between them but i could tell that she knew not to push me any further cause she just said she would see me later. Next thing rob comes in the kitchen and says that i could of gone to tesco for her! So he fucks off out and comes back about 30mins later and says sit in the car so i can go to tesco (he only has a provisional licence) i was sooooooo pissed off at this point!!! I mean she has pottered round her garden, got herself ready for billy, comes in says she is going for a nice bath and I have to go for the fucking meat to feed them!!! She has had all day do have a wander to tesco or jump on the bus to the town for it, but no its me again, sorting out everything for her!! AM I UNRATIONAL??? So now he has gone out and took some vodka and coke in a bottle with him (great!) i don't know when he will come back, and to be honest i don't give a damn anymore. Stepping further away
I am still not happy. I can honestly say that me and Rob are getting further and further apart, it's almost as if i am just waiting for the end. I can't really talk to anyone about this that will give me the amswers. Its not that i want any one else i just don't really want this anymore. I feel trapped in this marriage and i don't know what the hell to do. i am going to list the things that are making me want to end this
I just feel so confused, i think we are only really together for the kids at times. If i was to end it, all the family would think i was a bitch, how do you end your marriage after 2 years? |
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