Stepping further away
I am still not happy. I can honestly say that me and Rob are getting further and further apart, it's almost as if i am just waiting for the end. I can't really talk to anyone about this that will give me the amswers. Its not that i want any one else i just don't really want this anymore. I feel trapped in this marriage and i don't know what the hell to do. i am going to list the things that are making me want to end this
I just feel so confused, i think we are only really together for the kids at times. If i was to end it, all the family would think i was a bitch, how do you end your marriage after 2 years? A quickie!
Just a quick (ish) blog, had a strange day really, just milling around at home although i could really of done with a bit of retail therapy! Just had a nice talk with rob about stuff, just general stuff, reminicing about our early days and our wedding day, nice, if a little short because rob kinda legged it upstairs after so long to play with his xbox! I had a conversation with my grandma today about my ex. She had seen him in town and he had stopped to talk with her, god knows what was really said cause she has a way of saying things and then not telling you the whole truth of the matter! Anyway aparently he has split up with his girlfriend, that doesn't surprise me, i don't think he knows how to hold a long term relationship without fucking it all up! Poor girl now she knows why i couldn't put up with him! Grandma kindly told him i was starting uni and becoming a nurse...great just what i wanted him to know!! When i asked her if he asked about the boys she said no but i felt that he might not of needed to, she probably told him everything anyway! Nathan over heard me telling rob about it and he said well he is not coming here! Its sad really that a child feels that way but we have always offered him the chance to see his real dad, and he has always said no, now i just think he thinks 'fuck him'. I think rob was a but upset that granny told him about my life, but i told him not to get worked up about it, to be honest i bet he has been propping up some bar tonight drowning his sorrows and is pissed off that i am going up in the world. You know, despite all the whining i do about Rob, and the difficulties we have been though with the drug addiction and stuff my life is much better with rob than it was with aaron. I have a nicer home (although it still needs preening!) i have learnt to have more respect for our house and want better things and i have been able to provide a better life for the kids. Without Rob i could never have gone to college and university would of been a distant dream! But here i am about to start in just over a month, if i was still with aaron i would be an alcoholic chav! Well anyway i am off in the bath, much to do tomorrow!
Nothing is wrong!
I decided to blog today because i have nothing to air, nothing to whine about! I am HAPPY!!!!! Its so nice to be able to write here and not be my usual negative and emotionally tortured self! I feel that my marriage might be improving all be it slowly, i feel like we are capable of getting closer once again, all i wish for is a little more time alone together. I also wish we could be having sex without the worry of pregnancy, but i really don't want to put any weight on from taking the pill and condoms are rubbish so we will have to sort something out that works for both of us, hopefully then we will have sex more often. Robert has just come down and seen me blogging, so he knows that i do it now! If he reads it he will know that everything i say is in frustration! I am really looking forward to starting uni, it's very strange that my Nana should come with a message for me at the spiritualist church last night. I have waited for so long for a message, and finally she came. I know its all true now for sure because things were mentioned that i had not talked to anyone else about. My worries about whether i had the ability to be a nurse were a big worry and my nana has told me that i can do it! The fear at the top of the stairs was also very true, and again i hadn't told a soul about that. I wish that i could be more spiritual, i feel that i need to be calmer and spread love but i struggle with that sometimes. I just want to gain confidence in myself now. In my head i know how to approach people but i am frightened of doing it! I worry about saying the wrong thing!
Trapped
I am trapped in this world i have made for myself. Here i am almost 28 in a marriage that i spend 75% of my time regretting and i have three children to bring up. Mainly i am fed up of everyday being the same. Everyday rob gets up with the kids gives them breakfast then spends the morning getting in and out of bed in a foul mood, then he tells me to get up. Then i potter around, sit on my computer whilst he either sleeps or plays his xbox then we have tea then we watch t.v then the kids come in and we put them to bed then we go off and do our own thing again, me t.v and computer him vodka and xbox. We usually stay like that until early hours and then i go up to bed and try to sleep over his xbox playing. If i am lucky he switches it off and goes down to watch t.v. So where is the good strong marriage in that? I am letting my kids down, i have all summer to spend with them, probably the last one ever and i am too skint to do anything with them! I wanted to take them to a theme park for the day in a fortnight but i just have too many bills that i am behind with. I lay next to rob and i know that i don't really want to be with him anymore. I want to be on my own. I don't want any man in my life to be honest. Since i was 14 i have had men in my life and now i just wanna be alone. I might be just feeling this way at the moment but what haunts me is the fact that i knew i was making a mistake on my wedding day. I know that life would be hard as a single parent especially when i am doing my nurse trainning, and i worry that i won't be able to cope without him. Maybe i just need to enforce some changes in the family so that it saves our marriage. If only he would go to work, or at least take his role as a househusband more seriously and get things done. i just hope he is not expecting me to come home from uni and work placement to cook tea and clean up every night.
Still feeling confused!
I still feel really confused about what i want. For some reason i spend everyday wishing i was young free and single at some point! I hate the fact that i am nearly 28...like where the fuck did that go? i have put so much weight on and i feel pretty damn ugly at the moment! aghhhh!!
I feel like my marriage is a joke at times, why does Rob piss me off so much? i can't really understand why we are together sometimes, he doesn't seem to want a job, he says he does then when i say well go get one he doesn't want to! i just don't know what to do anymore, i feel like a flaming failure, he can be so disrespectful sometimes, and he talks to nathan like shit. I think i might be letting my son down there. I come here and i never have a positive blog, and thats shit because i am generally a positive person! but this is the only place that i can really get it all off my chest i can't really say all of this to anyone, because thats when i will get other people telling me what i should do. I don't think that Rob is doing smack anymore but i can never really trust him again in that department. i need to get him working! but how do i push him??
wish i could do that sliding door thing.
right seeing as i have neglected blogging, quick update before i start ranting... breast is fine lump disapeared by itself. operation planned for 10th july (laparoscopy for my endo)
thats that done.
Today i have had a day to myself. college is over, uni is looming and the kids had a school trip, rob went with Harry so that has given met the opportunity to be alone, something that hasn;t happened for awhile now. I went into town and did a bit of shopping, then came home and have spent most of the day doing housework. Its clean and tidy downstairs at least! even got fresh flowers, something that i love.
I am now sat here listening to my MP3 player, old songs that have made me a bit sad. infact i cried. I went to my grandmas and she said something that my mum had said to her....basically everyone thinks that once i qualify as a nurse my marriage will be over. I don't know what to say to that. I miss him...my ex. I think about him everyday, i don't love him, i just miss him and maybe that gets in the way of my marriage a little. I wish that i had married a normal man, one who works, who goes to the pub with his mates once a week, one who has never done drugs, or who's whole life is split between kids and his 360. But i didn't did i. I rushed into marriage because i was scared of being left with 3 kids. I didn't even know myself then, but i knew that something wasn't right when i walked down the aisle. I keep thinking about where i would be if i hadn't made the choices i did in life. If when i was 17 i hadn't fallen pregnant, or i had gone for an abortion like my family wanted me to. I am 27 and i have had no life. I have had to be responsible for what feels like forever. I think that maybe when the kids are older i will be happier, i will live again, more for myself, jump on a plane and head for the sun when i am tired. maybe Rob deserves to have the good life, but its what i will have created, not him, we will holiday on my wages not his, everything will be bought by me, never him. is that really right? should he be allowed to call himself a stay at home dad and then do as little as possible? how i wish i could turn back time. can't even think of a title!
I am going to the breast clinic on the 3rd June. Mixed feelings about that really. Part of me just feels that its nothing but normal breast tissue, so i am half expecting to get laughed out of the clinic! But thats good cause then i can just concentrate on getting ready for university. It still feels a bit sureal that i am going to be a student nurse in less than 5 months!
I feel a bit pissed off with Rob tonight, i feel like i am putting all this effort into making a better life for us and her doesn't even want to work, i dont really care what her does i just want him to do something, be it only a few hours a week or at home or something! I feel a bit embarrassed about him not working when i start uni. |
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